Funny, NOT Funny for a Good Morning

The cat threw up on my bed this morning! Really??? What in the world is that about? I woke up to puke right next to my pillows.

Then there is a HUGE CRASH around 6:40am. I thought it was shattering glass. (Doesn't matter how you look at it, this isn't good.) Nope, turn the lights on and half my closet rack came crashing to the ground. All my work clothes on the floor. What am I supposed to wear? What a mess! Why is it on the floor? Ugh! Not pleased. 

And then my heater in my office is burned out. I let someone borrow it and they burned out the high setting accidentally. It's a cheap little heater, but COME ON! I was kind and let someone borrow it but they weren't gentle or care like I do and now I'm stuck with a broken unit. :( No good deed goes unpunished- it feels like sometimes. 

Well, at least it's a Monday and I'm grateful for structure. Back to a routine. (I was super lazy this weekend... no clue why!) And this is week 2 of training. My body hurts (so good!) and endurance is increasing (I hope) so this is a minor setback to a great week.  

Also got all my holiday shopping completed in one day. All I have to do is wrap and mail within the next two days. Feels great to give back. At the same time... OUCH! Times are tight. I wish I could give more but I just can't. And I didn't even purchase anything special. I mainly purchased something for a Secret Santa gift and then a few extras for people who have helped throughout the year and made a huge difference in my life.

Staying positive! Enjoying the smells, the feels, the joys, and the sights of the season.

Back to exercising... and then back to work.

Don't forget: only do what YOU can do; it's enough! Making sure to focus on ourselves is most important. We can only truly help others once we are in a good place with who we are.

Have a great night.

Christmas Cookies & A Good Workout

There's nothing like spending the day with your mom! We made chocolate chip cookies, and I loved spending time with her.

- I woke up and got a really good workout accomplished.

- Then I headed over to my parent's house where we chatted, we fixed a favorite holiday decoration (singing snowmen), we had to fix a hole in my favorite purple winter sweater (I WISH I knew how to knit, crochet, and sew), we made the "simple" chocolate chip cookies, and then she gave me my early Christmas present. 

Our early Christmas presents are AWESOME! I'll show pictures later. But we've been planning an activity for weeks... and I can't wait to do it with my mom.

Their dog Buck, a great dane, is still a puppy but he is sooooo annoying. So much energy, slobber, eating everything he shouldn't eat. He was annoying me.

And because of my workouts: logging 9 miles this past week, my body hurts. My back hurts a little. The changing weather. A slight headache. Ugh! Just pain. So it was nice to take a beat and just relax. 

As much as I didn't want to do the major cookie baking (my idea this year-- which I thought she would enjoy too) she didn't want to learn exercises. :) We're even! So, planning next weekend activities.

Always make time for family! Family is super important. Spend time with the ones you love and appreciate. Time is precious, and those moments won't always be available. 

 

Christmas Shopping

- Snow on the ground is beautiful.

- Slept in until 10:30am

- Time to get going!

I woke up to create my Christmas list. Because I participated in a Secret Santa, that is what is getting me out of the house to go holiday shop. Had a lovely chat with my dear friend Brad. Haven't truly spoken to him in awhile so it was nice to catch up. And off to shower, look cute for the day, socialize and shop, come home to put up the tree, and go back to my running training schedule. 

Should be fun.

Remember: don't get angry around this time of year. Get sleep, let the stress roll off your back, and start fresh. Life is too short to be angry (especially at dumb stuff). With that being said, I suppose I better take my own advice and behave for someone I'm currently annoyed with and do something nice for December 17th. 

Chilled to the Bone

- 12 hours sleep was much needed from Thursday night to Friday morning. Definitely feeling refreshed. 

- Also starting to calm down from being vexed by a neighborly situation.

The work day turned out great! I accomplished all my goals: presentation done, posts scheduled, big project completed, Christmas ornaments mailed. 

It started snowing around noon. I have no problem with the snow. For whatever reason, I'm LOVING IT. It was just cold. Really cold. And I'd rather curl up into a ball and stay warm.

My friend calls and says "gym? Pool? Now!" Ok, yes ma'am. Off we went and I gotta tell you, I'm so glad she made me go. It definitely helps to have an accountability partner. We went to the gym, spoke to new people (as always), splish-splashed in the pool, and came home. It was a decent workout. And then I got to snuggle into the blankets and be warm. 

Thank you for exercise, friends, and great days. 

Thursday Something

 Nothing like falling asleep on the couch the night before. Then I get up and I go to bed around 1am. The next thing I know, I wake up around 3:20am and I cannot go back to sleep. Seriously? All I wanted was a little more sleep.

So I got up and took the trash out. Dog ran away at 5am (so much for a walk). I did stretches on the desk in the cool crisp air. Walked 3 miles this morning for my workout. Prepped for work. Worked as hard and accurately as I could. And here we are. 

I'm EXHAUSTED this Thursday evening! 

And I'm pissed. What is it about guys and one track minds? Friendship apparently isn't even a thing anymore. All they want is sex. If it's not sex, then it's nothing. I miss having friendships and REAL RELATIONSHIPS. I think those days are gone. It's important to continuously remind yourself: it's better to be alone than be miserable with someone else. 

On four hours of sleep, emotions high (mainly because I'm mad at myself for thinking things are positive when they're not), not doing another workout, and not doing a little more work tonight, I'm done. Bedtime. Peace out.

Friends at the Gym

 It felt great to race out of work and go straight to the gym. I got home, called my friend, and off we went. Sprints and ab workouts. Laughs, stories, giggles, fun experiences, I love spending time with my friend. She was back to her original, happy self. It was a wonderful time. And we spent about 1.5 hours at the gym. (Good workout)

Then we went last minute shopping at Lowes. Go figure, we BOTH had to pick something up! :) 

We did more girl talk when we got home. From cats, to magical stories, to life, health, houses, work, fur babies. If you name it, we probably talked about it.

Haven't had this much fun on a Wednesday evening... with a friend... in a long time.

Thank you for a fun time.

Bake A Cake

Sunday night was turkey baking. I made "my" Thanksgiving turkey Sunday evening. I can't believe it, but it turned out to be so good. So tonight I had to cut it up and properly put it away- so it doesn't go bad. While I was in the kitchen working on carving the turkey I had placed a cake in the oven.

While all this is going on I'm on the phone talking with a friend who lives in another city. She's getting ready to go dancing this coming weekend and needs some advice for dresses. Of course I love shopping, and fashion... and I'm really good at it. She was sending photos about different dresses to purchase, accessories, and how to wear the outfits. There's nothing like being fashionable, fun, and fabulous. I think we did figure out her dress: black with leopard print. She'll be a doll-in-the-making when she hits the dance floor. There's nothing like a good friend, great conversation, talking fashion, and having girl-talk. She made my evening. Thank you! 

Evening goals:

• Dog walked
• The turkey is put away
• The cake turned out nice
• Had to finish a few writings
• And now it's off to train (exercise)

It's still going to be a long night at this residence. But everything has been worthwhile so far. I've had this feeling of light-heartedness all day. The job is going well. (I think) Home responsibilities are being taken care of. Pets are feeling loved. And I'm finally focusing on me- regarding self-care. Baby steps to success.

Focus on one thing and keep moving forward! Blessings!

Monday Miracle

Sunday I prayed, "God, please grant me a Christmas miracle." I have no idea what this means, and there are absolutely no expectations, but I'm looking for some sort of miracle by the end of December. Maybe I'm looking for hope, or maybe it's happiness... the door is wide open.

I didn't write yesterday because I was living life to the fullest. I laughed so hard! The companionship was great company. Pure bliss and child-like fun. (Being honest, I totally forgot about writing.) A friend came over around 6:30pm, and we didn't go to bed (meaning we parted ways) after 1:30am. Nothing was off limits for a conversation. We ended up playing Nintendo and Super Nintendo. Yes, there were a few beverages. Lots of smiles and light-hearted banter. Loved having all our pets together. We talked about how to decorate homes and interior design. And the funniest part is we made a pact near the end of the evening. "As friends, we have to let go of our exes and stop giving any thoughts to them. No regrets. Keep moving forward. Have self respect. We'll do one fun event every-other-week or once a month. No falling in love. This is about finding ourselves, enjoying life, and having a partner for the activities to help us create a brighter future through July 1st." Yup! This is happening. (And apparently our first event is ax throwing next weekend.) 

It's been a long time since I've felt this light-hearted and happy from an unexpected experience.

What's funnier? About an hour after we made our pact, my ex writes back and says he wants to "clear the slate and start fresh." I turned to my friend and asked him what to do; his comment was "you should do it!" I thought for a minute and said "we just made a pact; it's time to move forward." That in itself is almost the best feeling I've had in a long time. It's officially time to let go and move forward.

Similarities: I've met someone who knows the area where I grew up, we're roughly the same age, we've basically gone through similar situations, we last saw our exes on Labor Day weekend, we're dedicated workers, who enjoy adventures and our pets, with similar views/ beliefs/ interests, we aren't married, we don't have kids, and finding the right partner for (each of) us is something we would like to experience in our near futures. It's time to eliminate manipulators, love-bombers, and users. It's time to have self-respect, stop lowering our standards, and know exactly what we are looking for and find it. 

For the first time (while listening to him) I realized that I haven't experienced love (even though I thought I had). When a man (or woman) is willing to hurt you, not care about you or your feelings, never looks back, has everything his (or her) way verses no way, that's not love. Reason being: if someone loves you they wouldn't be willing to hurt you. I cried! I cried harder than I have in a long time on Sunday. What's crazier? My emotions are drained and I'm done. I got sleep; then I woke up Monday and finally felt nothing. (It's been months since I've felt nothing for this particular person.) I'm ready to move forward and never look back. I deserve better. Funnier? The timing to have fun with this unexpected person was literally perfect timing, and I had the best evening with this stranger.

This stranger has actually been my knight-in-shining armor for the past month. He's been helping (for no apparent reason). He's been watching out for me and my pets (I feel beyond grateful and not alone). He's inspiring me with his positive go-lucky attitude. He makes me want to be a better version of myself because maybe, just maybe, there's still hope for some sort of happiness. I'm just cynical and present a rough exterior. But when I'm around him, positivity shows through because I'm focused on happiness and personal growth. We compliment each other. We bring out the best in one another. We force each other to get out of our own heads.

Maybe, just maybe, there's still hope for a happily ever after. 

Sunday Blues

Sadly, North Carolina lost the championship last night. But on a positive note, University of Michigan won their championship- two years in a row! :) Yeah!

It's been a rough emotional day. So I don't really have a lot to say. I played a few electronic games, took the dog for a walk, did a short workout, and I'm working on cleaning the closet (FINALLY!). 

What makes it so frustrating? No one calls. Everyone has their own life. Ever since I moved back to Kalamazoo I feel more alone than ever. I was closer to my Kzoo friends when I lived in Grand Rapids, go figure! I moved back to this city, got a new job, bought a house, and everything has changed. And I'm trying to change my social circle but it takes time. Even in the social circles I'm associating with, those people are engaged, married, and possibly have kids. Everyone has their own life. Being almost 40 years old, never married and no kids, I fit in with absolutely NO ONE. I'm trying to focus on fitness, but my heart is breaking.

The most difficult part: I thought I found the love of my life at the beginning of 2022. Guess what? Guess not! Men walk away never telling the truth, not fighting, and they're just done. I'm heartbroken. I truly don't know what went wrong. The only thing I can guess: I'm not feminine enough, too mouthy, too independent, too much of a big heart and I care too much??? God tell me what I'm missing?! I have no clue. But what hurts the most is I thought he was my person. I reached out one last time tonight with a question hoping he would answer- one way or another. The worst: I'm not even worth a response in his mind. Silence. Ghosted again. Ghosted again by another man, and I don't understand. But this one, THIS ONE, I thought he was my person. I wish he never let me know what it feels like to love someone, or to enjoy the blessings of spending time with someone you love. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could stop the pain, I wish I could just forget. 

But guess what? We're here to fight another day. Everyone around me has their person! Almost everyone around me is married and/or has kids or is pregnant and expecting. I'm so excited for those individuals. But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt like hell. Regarding dating, I've been lied to. I've been manipulated and controlled. I've been taken advantage of. I've been on dating sites- that is a JOKE... Never again! I've signed up with a matchmaker- SCAM! I've been on blind dates- NO! I've tried meeting people through social events- just no connection. I've met people at work- goodness that was a DISASTER! I literally don't know how to meet new, like-minded people. So, the days drag on with me and my pets. I go to work (which I do enjoy), I talk to my mom (family), and the rest of the time is spent on my own. I'm working on revising my schedule too. Like I said, exercise is top of mind (half marathon 4/23/23). What else is there? I'd talk to God... but I'm so angry, and frustrated, and hurt, and I don't understand. I feel so alone. What's the point? The situations all turn out the same- new year, different day, same results. (Yes, I'm being grouchy, but there is an element of truth.) 

Sometimes, life sucks! And I don't have any positive advice today. (Maybe try listening to "Stand By You" by Rachel Platten for inspiration.) The best I can say: chin up, get sleep, and we'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Go Blue!

 Beautiful morning; woke up and went straight to the gym:

- 3 miles completed, strength training completed (including planks-ugh!), shot some hoops-- great workout!

Came home to relax a little: watched a movie, played piano, walked the dog, and prepared for the evening:

- It was Sharon's Dance Studio recital this evening @ 7pm; beautiful performances by the dancers. 

- U of M vs. Purdue & N. Carolina vs. Clemson @ 8pm: should be some good football tonight! 

Notes for the day:

Make sure you are always positive when meeting new people! Do what you love each day (ex: hobbies). Make time to celebrate victories. 

Also, I woke up and saw a YouTube video by Rachel Maksy titled Reading from an 1800's "Book of Etiquette" video. Hilarious! Worth a watch. So etiquette, feminism, being polite, manners in public, etc. were all topics of mind today. 

Fri-Yay, Right?

Had to buy Addison a sweater at lunch, and I think it's helping. She's had sniffling, wheezing, and coughing... and the vomiting subsided about a week ago. She's taking medicine to help. But she's been cold a lot lately. So I bought my fur baby a sweater. Now she's toasty-warm all day. Fingers crossed she improves each and everyday. 

Olaf always jumps up to say hello when I'm around. He's my second fur baby. A solid white cat with a kind heart. He's full of personality. His only issue, I need to help him lose weight. He goes outside, he walks, he plays, he's sensitive with food. Yet, I haven't been able to help him lose weight. Hopefully we'll get there for his overall health.

The third fur baby is Simon. He's the outdoor cat. So much personality, that one. He chooses to be outside. He has a kind heart. He always comes to say hi. But if you open the door to ask if he wants to come in from the cold he will run away immediately.

Then there are the fish and the plants to tend to. A bit of color, water, and fresh light. I feel like these are all types of categories to care for. It's a happy home.

If you notice, all these types of living beings are companions. No one really enjoys being alone. If you think about it, do you have someone that keeps you company? It dawned on me earlier today that no one calls me (after working hours). It's usually me calling everyone else to check in and ask if they are ok. The feeling of loneliness. The damage loneliness can do to a person.

That's one of the reasons my goals are so specific for this coming year in 2023. There are so many changes. I'm trying so hard to change my life for the better. And it's not something I can think about, or purchase, it's the time/energy/actions that will bring a new change. The few people who know about these goals have commented "you are really busy!" Yes? What else am I supposed to do? Everyone else has their routine, their person, their pets, their lives to tend to. I'm just another person living her quiet life. 

Yes, you can say the Lord is always with you. Though I believe that is true it doesn't mean I always want to speak to an invisible God. Sometimes the touch of someone's hand, the sound of their voice, just their presence being near you in the same room is important.

The moral of the story: stay warm, and healthy, and safe. Get sleep to be as positive as you can. Eat healthy, drink water, be wise, and reach out to the ones you love. You never know if it's YOUR kind words and ACTIONS will be what makes the difference to the other person. Life is short. Spread kindness. And always help someone feel valued and loved-- even through the smallest actions like saying hello. 

Dec 1 is Exciting!

 Did you say "Rabbit Rabbit" first thing this morning? 

I think the first thing I yelled out was "google, turn off the alarm!" Classic; I've never been a morning person and I ALWAYS have multiple alarms everyday... I think 6+ alarms most days. Anyway, by the time I realized I was supposed to say "Rabbit Rabbit" it was too late. (I even missed "tibber tibber" for the end of the day; I won't do it because I just know it. I have other things planned this evening.) I don't know if it's the challenge of trying to say the phrase-which is why I always try at the beginning of the month- but I rarely succeed. No harm, no foul. I think I managed 2x in my life: one month actually turned out HORRIBLE while the other month wasn't too bad. 

Why be excited for December 1? Because it's the start of a new day, a new month, the ending to this year... and time to prepare (to create consistency and habits) that will launch the success of the next year if we stay focused. Can you feel the energy and excitement? Am I right?!? :) I had someone tell me earlier today "you can start over everyday without a monumental occasion" -DZ and he is correct, but when you also want time to make something a habit in your daily life NOW is that time: 12/1. I think it's something to the effect of 30 days makes it a habit. Hence the excitement.

Stated yesterday, time to create a vision board. Mine will moreso be a Vision List here so everyone can participate. (Maybe I'll show my actual vision board later on in a photo.) Ok, you want to know the worst part? I got the idea for the vision board from watching a Candace Cameron Bure Hallmark movie the other day. It wasn't one of my favorite movies, but she carried that stupid board around. The more I thought about it, and I keep being reminded by people saying "if you can see it you can make it happen", why not make a vision board if I'm serious about accomplishing a couple very specific goals in 2023. If you see it everyday, maybe it will create an incentive to work towards those goals and become accomplished.

Jenn's 2023 Vision (Board) List:

*    Write 365withJenn for one whole year!

        - I was inspired by Julie Powell and her book/movie. She was dedicated to making a goal happen. It was rough but she felt so accomplished by completing the goal of cooking everyday. She grew as an individual. She had an interesting story to tell. And look at the opportunities that presented themselves later. That's where this idea stems from, but I wanted to accomplish it with my goals and hobbies. (I started this blog YEARS ago... I'm just getting around to making this a reality.) There is more to come with the 365withJenn. If I accomplish what I hope to (no, I'm not giving all details away yet) this will actually become a brand and lead to something much bigger. Heck, I have to start YouTube videos this coming year. Yuck! I don't want to be in a video. 

*    Become athletically fit again

        - 5ks, 10k, triathlons, sports teams... I've done it all. Now I just want to be healthy. So I'm planning on running a half marathon 4/23/23. Maybe a triathlon this summer. And I might do a 30 mile trail bike ride with a colleague in November 2023. I'm going to take a couple dance classes in December 2022 to socialize, get out of my comfort zone, and learn a few new dance steps. And if all goes well later in the season I'll try snowboarding. And of course I can't wait to get back to kayaking this summer. I also have another friend who is heavy into SCA. So I might add: rapier, archery, and woodworking to the local division. (I don't mind getting hit in the head with heavy fighting; my problem is the sound of the hit on the knight's helmet. My ears scream Ouch!) So, we'll see what happens this summer.

*    Write and Publish for $100,000

        - Does this feel like deja vu; didn't we just talk about writing for a full year? No no no no no! Now I'm talking about REAL WRITING. It's been my dream to get a screenplay and a novel published. I have so many stories I want to tell. So I need to choose one and finish it. The catch is I want to sell my writing and land a deal no less than $100,000. Will I continue to write after that? Most likely! But remember, I don't ever plan to write as a career. All the inspiration will disappear from force and pressure. I don't feel like dealing with a several-year-long writers block again; that wasn't fun. 

*    Self Care

        - Making time and ALLOWING for down time. Not being forced into societal pressures. Not allowing myself to feel like a failure. (I'm not the classic lady who was able to get married and have kids; that just wasn't in the cards for me... or it hasn't been in my cards YET.) Every Sunday is beauty day (I'll explain later). Cooking and eating healthy. Spending time with family and playing with pets. Being adventurous and exploring new things/places. Making sure I have QUALITY relationships vs quantity. (If I ever do date again: making sure they don't boss me around, or be controlling, or lie. I want someone to share life experiences with who will be a partner and a friend.) Spend time with TRUE FRIENDS. It's important to make time to read, enjoy the outdoors, keep an organized/clean house, and stay positive. I also want to be involved in arts and crafts, build puzzles, learn to crochet, and paint. And of course I always want to grow and learn with my career; there are a few personal studies that will take about 10-15 hours to complete.

*    Music

        - It's time to play piano again. I know how to practice, and I know what it takes to be good. Someday I'll get back into performing with my grand piano. For now, just playing 20 min a day would be a great accomplishment. Music heals the soul. And for me, music is where I always find my true self. 

*    Loving God

        - No matter what you call it, I believe there is a higher power. I would like to make time to read the Bible, pray/meditate, learn about energies, and get closer to healing/understanding the self. 

What do you say, are you willing to write your goals down? Are you willing to stay committed? Remember, taking care of YOURSELF is just as important as taking care of others. We can't truly help someone else until we have accepted and helped ourselves first. 

I used to always help everyone. As I was emotionally breaking down and allowing people to push me around I finally said enough is enough. So the last year and a half has been dedicated to putting myself first for once in my life. It has been a LONG process. (It'd also help if I wasn't so stubborn.) When I feel I am able, I will reach out and help others little by little. But I'm a person too... what about helping myself? WHAT ABOUT ME?!? You should be asking the same question when needed. Family and friends are important, but we need to create that balance for ourselves to find peace and harmony... which in turn will allow us to give back more to those we care about. 

Did I give you something to ponder? Good! I hope so.

Stay positive & many blessings. 

Last Day Before a Refreshing Start

It has been a long time since working around individuals that inspire. One person on my team has already written a book (AF). Another team member has started a graphic design school (MS). Another member owns his own photography business (GB). Another person is exceptional at web design and IT (JT). And the other individual has been with the company for 23+ years and is practically a CEO (point-taken: super high up, decision maker, knows everything about the company, gets things done, and incredibly nice) (MW). These are my current team members. All these individuals work a full-time job WITH hobbies on the side. So, let me ask...

What about me?

Previous bosses (that were my favorites): still in charge of managing a department (BP), another is a GM (FC), and the other three are all part of Corporate (BC, KW, DK) with different companies but really high up in the rankings making big decisions. I wish I knew about my other favorite (JW) but I'm sure he's doing great things as well! (I bet FC would know.)

So, let me ask again... what about me???

Ok... on a serious note I'm more-so asking the "what about me?" this last time to be funny. But it still merits a valid point. 

For the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I'm working my dream job with a dream team! There's no where else I'd rather be. I bought a house (that is yellow: my childhood fantasy, I realized that waaay later on... and it's a cottage/cozy type house) with the coolest neighbors who watch out for me. I'm getting close to family again and have wonderful pets. I'm cleaning house personally regarding real friends vs. acquaintances. And I'm no longer injured from previous jobs. I'd say these are big accomplishments all on their own for the year 2022. 

It's time to start LOVING MYSELF, ACCEPTING myself exactly as I am, providing self-care, and moving forward!

What have I accomplished in the past that I'm proud of? I've run my own music studio for just shy of a decade. I've raced 5ks, 10ks, and triathlons. Multiple jobs have been held at a time (granted, I no longer wish to do so). I've cared for people and given my best to help others (to my detriment sometimes). I've had a positive attitude while my body was failing (health issues) as I continued to press forward. I survived bullying in the workforce multiple times. I've performed a piano solo on a public stage. Oh yea, I bought a house in the past, by myself, and then sold it. I've held a writing job YEARS AGO, but that doesn't matter because I DID IT (that was my dream job in my 20s- until I realized that dream job was a hobby that turned into a nightmare- because it stripped all the fun out of writing). Ok, I guess I'm not too shabby either compared to previous managers and current team members that I highly respect.

It is said: "who you associate with is what you become."

That's why it is soooo very important to associate with people admired and respected. Why? (Regarding me) Because you all are about to drop your jaw when you see exactly who I am becoming in 2023. (I'll finally be accomplished right along with everyone else I work with and respect.)

Tomorrow is Thursday December 1, 2022. Are you superstitious? Don't forget to say "rabbit rabbit" as the VERY FIRST THING out of your mouth when you wake up; it's supposed to bring good luck for the month.

Also, it's a great time to celebrate! Why? For me, I've reached so many victories as of late. 90 days at my current job. Made it to 12/1/22 (the roughest time ever from 8/1-12/1). My foot and spine injuries are healing. Coaches and mentors set-in-place to reach some lofty goals. Met a few new friends recently (BOD: BB, KS. SCA: KT, ST. BSL: SK-S. PT: JN, RA, KB). I've learned how to accept help even when asking for help was incredibly difficult. And all I have left to unpack from the major move in August is a closet (it WILL be completed this weekend; you don't understand, I've been attempting to clean this closet for 2 weeks, but last week I felt like building a puzzle- which is an accomplishment in itself because I'm learning to relax and allow for me-time). Honestly, I can't believe I survived. These were ALL huge feats if you understood all the individual details around each event. Trust me when I say "it's a lot", oh my goodness it was A LOT. I like to think I can tackle the world and be Wonder Woman. Instead, I learned sometimes we have to be realistic, think positive, push through the good and bad times, and stay strong. Because even if it's only one step/ one accomplishment we make, that's still one step more than we made earlier in the day or from the prior day.

Tomorrow will be time to write about a vision board and what is expected with the blog. Technically, I think vision boards are dumb. I know what I plan to do in my mind. But maybe it's time to put it out there to ensure it becomes a complete reality this time. And as for this blog, if you choose to read it, great; if you choose not too, great. What I do hope is that I provide consistency for a year (writing) and inspire others through my journey (more details to come later) if you choose to tag along. There are going to be some major challenges. So let's do this and see/produce/experience some positive results in our daily life. 

My goals may not be the same as yours, but I'd still love to hear about your goals too. What are some personal goals you hope to accomplish? What are some hardships you've experienced? Maybe we can use techniques together to apply that will aid in achieving our successes. We live, we learn together. We stay strong. We enjoy the present day and remain hopeful for the next. 

Remember: BE KIND TO YOURSELF! When you wake up, think (at least) one nice positive thought about yourself and hold onto that throughout the day and be proud. 

Blessings & Good Night.

Monday Blues

There is nothing like waking up and having everything go to hell in a hand basket. Apparently I made a mistake on Friday delaying parts (even though they weren't marked as high priority). Haven't had health insurance in a month and when I called asking where the card was it was NEVER mailed. (so now it should be coming) Called the doctors to update them with my health insurance information only to find out I don't have enough information. (will when I have the card) The medicine I need, I now have to start all over again because I've been without health insurance for too long (great, nothing like starting over). I parked in the wrong parking place last night and caused difficulties for the other person living near (he doesn't usually come home until Monday night). And I need a new pair of work shoes that aren't in stock (high price for something I'm not fond of as a replacement). WHEN DO THINGS GET BETTER???

I care.

I try.

I do my very best.

Instead, I just look like an incompetent idiot as of late. I'm really not!!! But it sure doesn't look that way. EVERYTHING I touch is difficult. NOTHING is easy. I'd say it's a phase of the moon but for two months... this is getting old!

Well, I've gotta get going. At least I had a blanket that kept me warm last night (bought a new fuzzy blanket yesterday evening). And I at least made phone calls I set out to make in the morning. And I read my daily devotional. And the trash is taken out. I'm trying to be positive... so a few things were done. I just hope the rest of the day gets a little better. I still have a ton of work to do when I get home tonight.

Sunlight. Sunlight and positivity would be nice to help improve the day.

Blessings.

Sunday Funday

I managed to wake up late again. Who does that??? To be honest, I couldn't fall asleep until almost 3am. Honestly, just about the time I was about to sleep around 12:30am suddenly the phone chirped. Then my mind started racing, and I had a great meditation with God. But because going to sleep late occurred then suddenly that pushed back the time to wake up.

Woke up around 11:30am.

Took care of business until 2pm. (one example: ordering a new license plate... ugh!) 

Church meeting 2pm- 3:30pm. (love this group) It was all about making sure to use your natural gifts and become part of "service" at church. Make sure to "serve" the church in the ways you are able too. For example: help in the tech department, sing in the choir, help in the kitchen, create special groups, launch a community project, you get the idea. Inspiring! I know for me, I don't have a lot of time, but baby steps I can be part of the group in my own way. 

After that, finished putting laundry away and had a great conversation with my mom. I tell you, my mom is one special lady. I love her dearly. And I can't thank her enough for all the help she's provided over the years. I do try to spoil her when I can, but I think she spoils me more. All the same, I love her and am very grateful.

Then, I forced myself to go out. Have you heard the term "the cupboards are bare?" That does not do justice to what my cupboards look like. I HAD to go grocery shopping today. Uggghhhhh!!!!!! Gas. (check) Tax documents delivered. (check) Lunch break. (check) Medicine run. (check) Grocery shop. (check... after 2 hours later) Car unloaded and groceries put away. (check) I now sit in my comfy blanket staying warm, writing a short little snip-it about the day, and I'm proud of the progress.

Don't forget, today was SuperBowl Sunday: Rams vs. Bangles. I was rooting for the Bangles. Booo... they just couldn't get it together. I believe the final score was 23-20. 

Regarding the rest of the evening, sadly not accomplished: fish tank is not cleaned yet. Didn't finish self-care work. I haven't finished exercising. I haven't washed dishes. Haven't paid a few bills. And I haven't started studying yet. These are all big no-nos. See, I take care of some positive things while others aren't completed.

I'd like to push through to accomplish everything but it's been cold today. My right ear is popping, my left ear is in pain, and I have drainage. Seriously... HOW DOES THIS COLD/RESPIRATORY INFECTION NOT GO AWAY?!? I need to be healthy!!!! I love the snow but this cold in the air is getting old. 

Not sure how I'll finish the night. I want to be more productive. I'm not giving up yet. So, enjoy the night. Stay positive. And I'll be doing my thing- whatever that may be tonight.

Blessings.

Happiness... with a hint of motivation

I don't believe it. I woke up HAPPY AND HEALTHY today. Has something changed? Did something happen I'm unaware of? How have I been sick for half the week and I suddenly feel good??? At this point, I'll take it. Sun is shining and it's time to be productive. 

Woke up and got a shower. Next, washed all the bedding. Accidentally watched another Netflix show that is a series (I was looking for a movie) and turned on "Inventing Anna." Do you remember this story? Dude, it's based on a true story. I remember this all over the media and newspapers back in the day and here it is in television format. It's produced by Shondaland; gotta give it to Shonda, she's a good writer and producer. Anyway, looking for another show? Check it out! I had it on while I was putting laundry away and making the bed. And sadly, when the night sky came up, my energy level disappeared. Made sure to work on my church-group project, reading my devotional and bible, and meditating. 

And here we are. I'm back to writing. 

My problem with today, or maybe I should say my frustration: I can write and catch up, but it's not the same as doing it daily. Same thing with exercise. You can catch up on your workouts but it's not the same as doing it everyday. I had a personal trainer emphasize the importance of this to me years ago. I didn't fully understand WHY it was so important daily, but I'm starting to understand the importance now- especially when you want to build and continue to improve upon that skill that is being honed. 

My screenplay I'm going to write about (I finally decided) will be called "Finding Me." In a world where we try to fit in, or make sure we're following rules, or we want to be accepted by certain people and/or groups, sometimes that's not the right thing for everyone. There have been so many changes that I've gone through this past year. I'm not the same person I used to be. I struggle with isolation, and I'm a social individual. Yet, at the same time, I'd rather be isolated than be with people who don't truly value me or want to know the real me. I have goals I need to achieve. That's why I need to start doing them daily, not weekly. And if I'm isolated, with me, working on my goals, that's gotta be better than being forced to be around people that don't truly accept me or have me doing things that aren't truly enjoyed. Just, working on goals on your own is great, but sometimes it would be nice to have a support system too. I don't have that for anything- haven't had it in a long time.

The other thing I'm frustrated with is everything is based on looks. I'm pretty. But I lost my edge that makes me pretty (at least that's my opinion). I'm 5'3, blonde, blue eyes, athletic, independent, intelligent, funny sense-of-humor, musically inclined, love helping and relating to people. But I got, how do you say it... pudgy. All my weight is in my stomach. From years sitting in a high-stressed office setting, then having health issues with unbalanced hormones, and then that thing called life, I'm stuck at a certain weight. So I'm not my ideal 5'3, blonde, 150lbs, solid muscle build anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty. But you get a lot farther in life when you are beautiful. Things just happen for you that don't for others when you are deemed beautiful (I should know; I've experienced that side of life in the past too). And obviously, if I'm bringing it up, something has happened as of recent that has brought this to the forefront to make me talk about it. I'm just frustrated lately. I wish I was truly accepted and appreciated for me. But I also wish I had a support group too. For example, going on short daily runs or studying with someone makes it all the more enjoyable. Sadly, my looks don't match the person I feel like internally. So finding people to relate to is difficult, because especially when meeting people in the beginning stages, everything is usually based on looks.

Spending time with my animals and God today is important. My animals don't see me much because I work more than I used to- and away from the home now. And as for God, he hasn't been at the forefront for about the last four weeks because of work and exhaustion. No excuses. Just reality. So I'm trying to be better. He keeps me grounded and positive. Lately, as you can tell, I feel like I'm emotionally spinning out of control a little. I'm mad I'm not accomplishing what matters to me most. There is always something that arises and I just can't get done what I want to get accomplished. 

And I'm learning I need to be more grateful for everything I have in life. Everyone has there own set of priorities. Everyone reaches different goals in life, at different times, and at different ages in their life. In my case, I've always been a little bit slower than the rest; I always seem to be a late bloomer with everything. (unless it's work) Although, even my career I've had to start over. I feel like I'm a little older than most without the living experiences. For example, I've never been married, I don't have kids, I've never truly been in love, I'm struggling with where I want to be professionally in my career, I've moved back to my hometown (honestly NEVER saw that one happening), and I'm trying to become healthy and athletic again (I want to be able to run miles by this summer again), and I'd like to start playing the piano again too. I'd also like to finish this screenplay. And somehow I think I can become an engineer. This will be interesting! Because I'm a creative trying to become logical. If you know me... this IS funny! I'm just struggling finding people who can actually relate to what I'm going through. I'm different, I think differently, I always have, and I hate going against the crowd; I don't fit in, I stand out, and sometimes standing out is frustrating. That's why I feel I have a story to tell that just might help others- if they are going through something similar to what I am experiencing. I know I sound busy, but if someone is important to me, I'm not as busy as I sound because I will make time. And as for being different, I was always told growing up when everyone orders coffee apparently I'll order tea... see, just different! So I'm trying to be grateful and realize just how blessed I am to be me and no one else. Because there are things that I can do that one one else can do the way I do. (There will always be someone better than each and every one of us!) I just need to see the value and appreciate exactly where I am at in life right now, and appreciate the alone time while I have it. (Who knows, maybe that will change someday too?!?) 

See the beauty in each moment and throughout each day. Find a reason to be happy. Find a reason to smile. And believe you can achieve what you want to. Put your mind to it and put the effort into making it happen. Remember: half the work starts with just showing up.

Blessings.

Friday Yay-Day (Fri)

Thank goodness it's Friday. I feel like I've run a marathon this week. The week just never ends for whatever reason this week. Yes, you guessed it! I STILL HAVE A SORE THROAT AND EAR PAIN (in my right ear). I give in. I'm going to the doctor on Saturday. I'm not going to chance it getting worse. And I didn't go on Friday because I didn't want to take any chance of missing work.

More challenges for the day. It's not my fault, but there are issues that the trainer had to help with. Ended up doing (what I deem) a research project. Fingers crossed, moving forward, everything will improve after the emails that were sent in hopes to correct the day. 

The mood: focused! The attitudes around me: why; where's your high energy? When you're focused, it's called FOCUS for a reason!!! No time to laugh, play, have fun; just stay focused on the task at hand to properly complete everything. Still a long day. But everything got done before going home.

Do you have access to Serius XM radio? Pat Monahan from the band "Train" has his own show called "Train Trax" and I love listening to it every Friday. I think it's on from 10pm-11pm and then does a rerun from 1am-2am (something like that). Anway, if you get a chance to listen, he's funny. (kinda weird too) But he's good at what he does. He gets to select new music before it comes out. So he's choosing what he likes and shares with us before it even becomes a big deal. Most of the time he selects good music. The man knows talent and upcoming music... that's for sure! My favorites that I listened to this week were actually Train, Twenty-One Pilots, and Bastille. All had new songs I'm sure will be big hits with the public soon.

Snow falling. Cold night. Time for blankets and a great sleep! No alarm clocks for this weekend. Let what come... may. And cuddle time with the fur babies.

Blessings.

Exhaustion (Thurs)

I'm off! I just feel off. You ever have that where you aren't sad and you aren't happy... you're just mellow? Then everyone asks what's wrong and honestly nothing is wrong, you just feel off? Yea, that's the day. And it's probably because my throat hurts even more today and the right ear is starting to throb again. Everything that I've researched says if there is ear pain then it most likely is a bacterial infection. If that's the case, then I will HAVE to go to the doctor to get it healed. 

Just. Need. More. Sunlight. Then everything will be better...

Off to work. What a fun day. But apparently I made a few mistakes. :( I'm not going to count them as mistakes because I genuinely didn't know. And nothing was broken that can't be fixed. But I WILL do better next time. And I got a compliment from my trainer. MARK IT ON THE CALENDAR, I GOT A COMPLIMENT! It was so small. But you don't understand. This is a BIG DEAL. And it means a lot. So I'm taking it and running with it.

Rest of the night was fun. And I actually went to dinner with the guys. They all made me take dinner break with them. Oh. My. Goodness. I have not laughed that hard in a long time. They are so funny. I'm telling you, there is nothing better than working with guys and no drama! I love the atmosphere working with men. No nonsense, get the job done, and have a good time in the process while making a positive difference in the industry we work in- medical. 

And on that note, Nyquil actually worked. Nyquil again and off to bed.

Blessings.

ENT Pain (Wed)

Great! I woke up again with a sore throat and my right ear hurts. I don't wanna go to the doctor again. I also don't want to go 24 days being sick again. And I still don't have my health insurance card. What to do?!? No one is frustrated...

There was a massive accident on the highway. So for the first time in the new position I officially arrived late! :( Thank goodness my managers were cool about it. (Not my fault) but still, I don't like to be late.

Other than that working hard. Working well with my team (at least I think so). Guaranteed no mistakes again. Speed is slow, and I mean SLOWLY... improving. So things are on the upswing for my professional life. Let's not talk about the personal life yet. (no running/ no studying) 

Don't feel well. Nyquil and bed.

Blessings.

Back to It (Tue)

Well, I accomplished some small goals around the house. Example: washing dishes, washing a load of laundry, picking up the house, cleaning the cat box, shoveling snow. But what I really wanted to accomplish never happened. So here we are back to the beginning of the week doing my best. Yet somehow still feeling like I'm personally failing, Ugh! I really need to get it together.

Work went well. Week #2 by myself. And I know for a fact no mistakes were made. 

Blessings.

Beginning the week: Day Off- Yea!

Well, not everything goes the exact way that I hope for. Yet, I must make the best of each situation. I woke up and had breakfast. Had several LONG conversations today. It does help to stay connected with people. But it's also good to let go of emotions, let past hurts go, and remember to move forward. 

- Cat litter and trash cleaned. 

- Dishes washed.

- Dinner made.

- Writing accomplished.

- just a few more things to accomplish: fish tank to clean, exercise (10 min), shower, homework

After the conversations that were had today, I made dinner. Yes, I actually baked fish and green beans with a glass of peach whiskey. It was good. Finished binge-watching my Netflix show while writing and playing with the animals. And time to have a successful evening.

As my older guy friend said "it's 90% showing up to be successful" and that's what I'm trying to do; start accomplishing things one thing at a time. That, in itself, is the start of feeling accomplished. Maybe moving forward that's the key to success. 

Fight the exhaustion (possibly depression). Do something successful each day to have a positive attitude and hopeful personality. And prove to myself that accomplishing goals is honestly possible. There may be delays... but that doesn't mean we can't overcome the difficulties. 

Oh, and I had the conversation to choose no surgery moving forward early this afternoon. Just another thing I'll have to choose on my own. And that's ok too. 

2022 will still be a good year. It's proving to be challenging, but this I can do! Sometimes you just need a day off to get your head on straight. 

Household Tasks and Conversations (Sun)

 Woke up with some energy. My body doesn't feel like it's in so much pain. How the heck did I sleep so late again though? Days are being wasted...

Woke up 12:30pm(ish) and cleaned photos out of my phone because my phone is too slow and not properly working. Then there was the church meeting at 2pm; this group is inspiring. Learning more about the church and God and community is important. When asking the pastor my question at the end, she made mention lots of people are struggling with isolation and loneliness these days. 

It felt good to get out of the basement. The sun was shining bright. Left to go get medications and then dinner. Got the car washed and picked up an Avocado and Shrimp Salad. Shoveled snow. Then need to stay warm.

Had a few more good conversations in the evening with some girlfriends. In fact, I had conversations while shoveling the driveway (again). Driveway shoveled so the landlord can properly come home. And back to... you guessed it... "The Witcher." Dang it! I can't stop binge watching shows. It makes me happy! But at the same time I need to get my personal stuff done. 

My body and my brain are just exhausted these days. 

At least no work in the morning. (Granted, that's to get my personal life in order, hopefully.) 

Weekend Bliss (Sat)

Up at 4am (don't ask why) and thinking about different things, being goofy, and ready for bed. Descent sleep. Wake up before 12pm. Day is half lost. Can't seem to move. My body hurts so bad from what was accomplished the night before. Start watching "The Witcher" which is really good. Take a nap. Get a shower.

It's CELEBRATION DAY WITH MY MOM!!!! We are celebrating all the accomplishments for 2022: health, job security, health insurance, finances improving, having a good place to live while looking for a new home, going back to school to study (even though it's a slow start), and surviving my first week on second shift.

Finally, I get ready for dinner. Look pretty. Meet mom. And we go to a restaurant called "The Rock" on Big Fish Lake. I loved our cozy booth. The atmosphere was wonderful. It was nice getting out of the house and seeing my mom. Socialization is good. Food is delicious. And then we went back to her house to see their puppy. The puppy is growing like crazy. He's a happy little fella... just wish his name wasn't Buck; stupidest name ever and not fitting for a beautiful great day.

Got home and had a nice conversation with a friend. Watched more of the Netflix show. Off to bed. 

Just Finish the Day! (Fri)

What happened... Crazy dreams??? Why am I having regrets about losing people in life (not dieing, people walking away)? My emotions are raging and I'm feeling too much lately. I want it to stop. Am I tired? 

It must be exhaustion!!!

When I'm tired I can't turn off emotions or thoughts. I just need this day to be over. 

You guessed it! A meeting at 1pm on Friday. It feels like all that has been accomplished this week is merely working. My personal life goes by the wayside. 

Meeting ok. Taking Monday off to try and get refocused. And I just need to survive the day. 

Friday went. Worked over half day in Toolcrib and then worked over half day in Stocking room. The guys were kind on second shift to invite me to a Pot Luck for dinner. It turned out fun. And then back to work.

Home late. Exhausted. Bed. 

My poor animals... at least they get to cuddle.

Staying Focused (Thurs)

Woke up late. Thank goodness for easy driving into work.

Heeeyyyy! The team is back in full force; the three of us. Getting caught up felt great. Back to doing what I do best. Toolcrib first and then Stocking Room.

Sadly, everything in my personal life is falling apart. I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm exhausted. I'm frustrated. But hey, let's continue working.

Got to work and stayed focused. So focused I forgot about our Tier meeting (whoops). Accomplished everything that I needed too and then did a few trainings at night.

Another late night. Home. Good night. 

Hump Day (Wed)

Woke up 8am for a doctor's appointment. Thank goodness it was virtual. Interesting. Glad we met. Looking at possible surgery opportunities. We'll see what the future holds. Also, why are the animals' fur coats cold? Even Olaf is cold. That is weird??? Hmmm...

Time to officially get out of bed. Alright! My body hurts. My arms hurt. Lifting bar stock and blocks gets heavy over time. Time for work again!  

Working another long day. Working on fixing mistakes. Doing my best. Learning how to ship packages on my own- adding to the schedule I'm already comfortable with. 

It's cold and snowy. Let's get this day over with.

Finally get home only to realize the heat in the house has turned off. House is 58 degrees. Um... burr???? That might be why the animals were cold in the morning. So heat went out sometime between Tuesday and Wednesday morning. How the heck to fix? Long story short, figure it out. Fire on. 

Bedtime.

... really hoping things get easier moving forward. (Just frustrated everything seems difficult and I'm feeling a bit isolated and lonely lately.)

Building Confidence (Tue)

Woke up tired and later than what I would have hoped, but onward to work. Before going to work, I must shovel the driveway. The snow is practically up to my knees. It took about 2 hours to shovel 75% of the driveway. Grab food, then a shower, and gotta fly outta here.

Meeting at 11:30am for new employees. It was a positive and interesting meeting.

And then it was time to complete day two on my own. I had a little more confidence. Apparently there were a few errors from the night before, but that's ok, because I can fix the errors and make things better. Slowly building speed. Slowly building confidence. Slowly understanding the job a little bit more. Note: I did have to miss bible study today; there was no time. I feel bad but I had to do what was best for the job. So it was still a long day, but I'm proud of the minor victories and accomplishments. 

Nerves (Mon)

 Wow! Apparently a week has passed since I last wrote. Sorry about the delay. But it doesn't mean I'm necessarily off track. There were just some unexpected delays. Things are still going to be ok though; there's still hope for success.

SNOW ON MONDAY!!! It's cold. Snow falls. This is one of the bigger snow storms that started Monday and is expected to continue through Thursday. I know the snow is bad, but if it continues, I'll shovel the driveway when the snowfall slows down just a bit. 

Monday was the first day I was on second shift all by myself. So nervous! I wanted to impress my team members while also doing a good job. I woke up. Had a meeting at 11am. And then went into work. Nerves took over my body. But at the end of the day, slow and steady, I survived my first day on my own.

Challenges in the Heart

Sometimes it's finally time to walk away...

After years of verbal abuse from a particular person, I've made the decision it's time to leave. I've sought therapy in the past and it was said to walk away from this relationship because it's toxic. I made the decision that it was better to stick around. As of this weekend, I can't take it anymore. It's officially time to protect my heart and be gone. I still wish this individual the best; I hope they find love in their heart for them self as well as everyone else around them because loneliness is knocking at this person's door. 

It's also made me take a look at every relationship I've had in the past. So many relationships have required me to give, give, give. Nothing seems to be balanced in the relationships I have. I wonder why? Most of the relationships are one-sided and it's about me reaching out and helping the person but not the other way around. How many people actually reach out to you? 

Being single and alone (I'm learning) definitely has its advantages. I have my animals. And I have the family members that TRULY matter. Projects take up my time as well as the job. God is always near. At the end of the day, maybe I've been looking at it all wrong; maybe it's time to accept that I'm meant to be alone. I'd rather be alone than be with someone that doesn't want me in their life or doesn't care about me at all. I'd rather be alone than emotionally and verbally abused. I'd rather be alone than have my heart shattered in a million pieces again. 

Rebuilding who you are can be important. It's a long journey... and a difficult one. Maybe someday I'll see the true rewards at the end of the day. Because right now, I just feel sheer pain and being let down by not only one person, but so many people, because I don't have anything left to give to these individuals anymore- especially the main person that inspired this writing and the heartache from this weekend. 

I'm done.

I'd rather finally care about me.

It's time to move forward and make some serious, positive, personal changes.

Puppies on Saturday

Ahhh, gotta love puppies. What a fun day. I had to babysit the dogs this morning before an eight week old great dane puppy arrived. One of my family members received a puppy today. So I was watching all the dogs, and then the puppy arrived. How fun. So cute. The puppy stumbles over his feet and falls a lot. His feet are HUGE. He has the rolley-polley skin. A weird sounding little bark when he does bark. And he fits right in. Aren't puppies just the best? However, watch your clothes and anything special; the chewing begins.

Woke up early today. Still fighting constantly being tired. I don't know what's causing it but all I want to do is sleep. I don't know why. Anyone have any good ideas how to make the constant exhaustion go away?

The sun was out and it was a beautiful day. When there are days like this, what do you enjoy doing?

Anyway, I'm off to go read a good book and cuddle up in a blanket to stay warm.

Blessings.

"Little Italy" Movie Night

Perfect night for a great movie. Favorite drink, grab some grub, and let the brain finally RELAX.

Today wasn't a bad day. In fact, it was a decent day. But the most important act came at the end of the day. My fate is sealed as to how we move forward starting next week. It's nerve-racking for certain reasons. At the same time, I can be by myself on a shift and prove I can do the job. I CAN DO THIS! 

Then dealing with signing up for health insurance; ya know, important stuff.

And then I turned on the computer and played with the animals and attempted to do homework but I just couldn't think. One of these days...

I'm hoping now that answers have been stated maybe the stress will start to eliminate from my mind and body so I can better focus on my personal life. Because currently my personal life is kinda falling apart. But I hope to 100% rectify that as of this weekend.

Anyway, bed time! And I have to wake up to dog sit tomorrow morning.

Blessings.

Facing Fears and Feeling Tired

How has your energy level been?

It's been COLD! And I'm sure that has contributed to my lack of wanting to do anything after work. At least the sun shines. I love the sun; it's so rejuvenating. But that doesn't take away from the lack of energy.

I've been in a goofy mood all day. I wanna laugh, crack jokes, stroll around, talk to people, watch movies, and just be free. There's always something to do (that I don't accomplish). And the sad part is I KNOW I can do what I need to do but there is a voice in my head that keeps saying "what if you can't or don't truly want to?" Fear is a pain. I need to get over it.

Today, I read a daily devotional about a saying "in Jesus's name." We need to give it to Jesus. Go to Jesus with an open heart and talk to him. And then end your prayer with "In Jesus's name". It was a good devotional. I usually end my prayers with Amen... but in Jesus's name can be a different start especially if it's something important.

Maybe I can chase this nagging feeling away and not just start the work but DO the work if I give it to Jesus and end the prayer with "in Jesus's name." 

On that note, small goal mastered; I wrote today. Sadly I want to sleep now. See??? It's procrastination!!! But let's go tackle this goal RIGHT NOW. Baby steps to starting something new and making it become a habit.

Blessings.

Not in the Mood to Talk (Wed)

Sometimes there are days that we don't want to talk... and that's OK! Being true to yourself is most important. Want a good movie that explains this message in a positive way? Watch "Radio Rebel." It's a cute movie with a strong emphasis on being yourself.

The day started with my stomach in knots. I've been struggling finding my voice lately as well as struggling to follow through with things I want to accomplish. (Yes, illness was the beginning of the year. As that is no longer the case, now I'm just being stubborn and apparently scared to start anything I want to do now.) Fear is an issue. Fear can be a motivator. Fear can be a hindrance. Right now, I work and sleep. Gotta change that...

Anyway, the day started with massive amounts of stress. I knew there were going to be issues. As the day progressed, I ended up facing my fears, making decisions, communicating with people, and shaking things up. With help from others (who were very kind) teamwork accomplished everything, and I'm super proud of how the day turned out. I got answers to issues that have had weeks of complications. I gave it my very best. Nothing came to a screeching halt, and I ended the day with a smile on my face.

I knew I could write last night. I just didn't know what to write. In fact, I think today's article (for yesterday) turned out better than expected. But to be honest, I just didn't want to write last night. So see, we can have goals and take a day off to get back on track. A delay doesn't have to be the end of the world. Now I'm talking and taking care of other things. :) 

Have a good night.

 

Freedom and Religion

Freedom: I just have to say it. Day #2 by myself (no training) operating the room I have been part of training in for the last two months for my job. It's not fast, it's not perfect, but guess what... I DID IT and I'M DOING IT! I just have to say it because I'm proud, and I'm trying to acknowledge the positive each day. (aka: self-care)

Religion: we are studying the book of "John" in my bible study group. Week #2. I love my group. They ask great questions and make it interesting. I wished I was more prepared for today, but being honest, I did the reading. I just thought the philosophical questions were slightly challenging (for me). I love how God is there if you are open and receptive to him. He has been guiding and helping. He's a great leader and a miracle worker even to this day.

Health: finally improving. Energy levels are starting to rise and hearing is slowly coming back. The right ear sound is still slightly muffled, but it's getting better.

Studies: WILL START TOMORROW!!!! (let's check in on this then... seriously!!!)

To my 2nd shift guy friend who loves to teach me life lessons (from Traverse City): we spent quite a bit of time talking about God, religion, and what we spoke about in studies this evening. It's always an interesting conversation. I appreciate his wisdom and friendship very-much-so. 

The pets: they love begging for attention. We play. We cuddle. It's never enough. But they love when I'm home. And I don't know about everyone else but the weather has been like ten degrees, I'm chilled to the bone, snow continuously falls. It's beautiful outside. But I have three blankets over me and my skin is still cold to the touch. So a conversation and bed are perfect for the evening.

Blessings.

Snow Fall and Productivity

Nothing like waking up to a blanket of snow everywhere with a chill in the air. Took care of all the morning chores... and onto the day.

Good co-workers and great managers make the day a great one. Note: the snow continuously fell throughout the day. (granted, this is normal for this time of year; it's just extra cold and that means I really do have to shovel the driveway now.)

Came home to shovel the driveway. I wish I had a picture because the driveway turned out pretty nice. It only took 1 hour 45 min to complete. Made sure to take care of a few other chores and responsibilities. Now it's onto the last of the personal projects tonight to make sure tomorrow is impressive, at least for the personal side of life.

That is the beginning of self-care again.

Snow Day & Show (Sun)

Sometimes you have to take care of yourself. I've been a little stressed lately, and healing from the ear infection with lack of sleep, and trying to get things accomplished even though I haven't been doing my self-care. How did self care manifest? Having energy to stay awake on the couch, but too cold to move, and happily watching a tv show- that's so good it's like a movie.

Have you heard of "Archive 81?" Super good Netflix show. It's a thriller. The writing, the actors, the producers, etc. everything about it was well produced. If you like a good mystery mixed with a little syfy, this just might be a show for you. :)  

Be Happy

 Good Morning People of Michigan! :) Actually, good afternoon to everyone...

Are you enjoying your day? Tell me, what's something positive you've experienced this year?

Believe it or not, I've been awake since 8am. It's been a slow start. Still feeling tired, but I'm getting moving and starting to get things done. There have even been highs and lows that I've experienced today. Yet, I do believe things will continue to improve. 

Remember the words, "give it to God and he will provide." I do believe everything is in God's hands.  

T.G.I.F. (Fri)

Have you ever had those weeks that just never end? And you wish it was to the point where it's time for YOUR weekend? I know some people work the weekends- so maybe your weekend is on a Monday (just an example). But for me I'm back to having Saturday and Sundays off, and I just need this week to be over.

It wasn't extremely difficult. I'm just exhausted. I want to be able to sleep, spend time on self-care, and start feeling positive again.

Also, I lifted almost a full crate of blocks that weigh 2,500 lbs; out of 501 pieces I moved about 400 pieces. Then I lifted bar stock. Spent the day cutting, chamfing, and then delivering the barstock. I literally feel like a body builder. Every muscle hurts. My thighs, my upper back between my shoulder blades, my forearms, etc. When I looked down I was at 21,000 steps and still counting. This was definitely a physical day. 

When we don't hold ourselves back we can accomplish great things. But that also doesn't mean we don't need downtime. Chasing dreams and goals is important. Just remember to take care of yourself along the way too. 

Maya Angelou (Thurs)

Maya Angelou is a great poet, author, activist, and role model. She may have started out young with difficulties, but who she grew into was an inspiring woman. Unexpectedly, I watched a video about her. This video was speaking about when she was younger she had been raped by a family member. Later she told her brother, who told her mother what happened, which placed this man in prison. It was in prison where he was beaten to death. She was only seven years old when this man passed away, and that is when she went mute. 

What I didn't realize about Maya was that she didn't speak for years. She went silent. No one could get her to speak. No one understood why she stopped talking. As her town slowly gave up on her and insulted her in the process, and then family members gave up, it looked like all hope was lost. It was her grandmother and a teacher by the name of Ms. Flowers that inspired her. They never lost hope. They always encouraged her to do great things! She was meant to use her voice. For years she wrote on a tablet that was tied to her waist. Grandma kept saying use that beautiful voice to impact the world. And Ms. Flowers gave her tough love. Ms. Flowers told her that to be a poet you have to speak and you won't truly be a poet until you speak the words with your tongue. Maya ran away from that conversation. And the teacher followed her back to her grandmother's house and pointed a finger at her in her face and said I'm not done with this conversation. She continued to tell Maya what makes a great poet. That teacher continuously didn't give up on her. And the rest is history. Because when Maya finally did speak, look what amazing things she was able to accomplish? And when she did speak, she also said it was her seven year old brain that understood she was the reason the man was killed in prison and she was afraid it was her voice that would kill; she didn't want to hurt anyone else so she went silent.

Never judge someone. You don't truly know what they are going through. And never give up on someone. You never know what greatness they will create when they finally find the courage to follow their heart and be who they are meant to become. 

Dream a Little Dream (Wed)

Alright, I'm in need of some new tips here. What causes a person to sleep eleven hour days nonstop? 

- lack of sunlight

- poor sleep

- infections not fully rid of the body yet

- hormones not balanced

I don't know what is going on but all I do is sleep. I literally get home, have five minutes to stay awake, and I'm passed out (not by choice). I've set alarms. I've had people call. Nothing works to wake me up. When I'm down, I'm out cold sleeping until it's time for work again. If you're looking for posts, inspiration, a phone call, homework, a visit, etc. don't count on it. My sincerest apologies. Apparently sleep is taking over and it's all I can do to stay awake these days.

Positivity Radiates (Tue)

Working with people who have a positive attitude makes all the difference. I switched trainers this week and I can already see a huge difference. My self-care was going by the wayside. In fact, working with my second trainer (technically the first trainer I started with in my new role) he's supportive. I can make mistakes, where I usually figure out what I did wrong and fix it before there is actually an error, with peace of mind. It's a safe environment. He teaches me and I listen. (I do my BEST to retain all the information given; trust me, this position is filled with details and knowledge to be good in this role but it doesn't mean it isn't a lot in the beginning.) I feel safe. I'm not made to feel less-than just because I didn't do something exactly the way someone else does something. 

I've always been different, and I've always thought it's both a blessing and a curse. I see things differently. I'm a creative. (Never logical. lol) I had a teacher in high school, chemistry class, where I asked a question and she screamed at me in front of the whole class. She drew a picture on her board of a big circle and then put an x to the top left way outside of the circle. In class she goes "the circle represents all the students I teach and you're the x; I don't know how to teach you." She stormed out of class and that was that.

In this new role with the other trainer, I'm pretty sure he's logical and I'm a creative again. I totally respect him, but he isn't very nice when things don't go according to his plan. How do I better word it? He's strict, it's his way, he focuses more on the errors verses the positive, and there is no room for error- even when beginning. I can't handle the pressure. I'm breaking!

So when I go back to the other trainer, it's a breath of fresh air to know you can still do a job while feeling safe and secure while growing into the new role.

If and when you ever teach someone, just be kind! Remember what it's like to be new. Training for an experienced pro can be just as difficult as it is for a new person to learn and quickly step into that role with the rest of the team members.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day (Mon)

Martin Luther King day is a day to remember how far we have come with change. It's about remembering a great man who gave his everything to make a positive difference in our world. And it's about a man who made such a difference that he still impacts our people, our culture, and our world in a positive way today. 

Reverend King was a minister first and foremost. He had a very close relationship with God. And it's through his teachings and his words that he reached out to all sorts of people. His words are powerful and truth-telling. He stood up for what was right. Which is why he was one of the most visible and loved activists during the civil rights movement. He had the courage and the strength to stand up for what is right. Look how many people he has inspired over the years. Will you follow in his footsteps and continue to fight for what you believe in?

Focusing for Next Week

It was laundry day! I HATE doing laundry. Six loads. Washed and put away. And I dropped as soon as it was done after seven hours. Which says I'm still not 100% health wise. It's great that I don't have a sore throat anymore and the ear pain has subsided. But I still can't hear out of my right ear. And I have to go, take a nap, go, take a nap, etc. It's frustrating because I can accomplish things for a few hours and then need a two hour nap.

There were a few other minor things along the way that I accomplished cleaning house today. But not everything can get accomplished. There is just not enough time in the day. But what I did was super important because it sets the rest of the week up for success.

For instance: Ugh! Homework is NOT DONE! I'm a week behind on school already. This is NOT a repeat of last year Winter 2021 semester. But it is a slow start. I'll have to get back to it starting tomorrow no matter what. I also didn't read my self-care books (two weeks behind on that) and I didn't have a chance to exercise. Does cleaning count for exercising?!? (I don't count it, sadly.)

My church sermon from today was phenomenal. It just hit home. It was all about joy and experiencing joy from God. Then I had a church meeting to learn more about my church (again) and it turned out to be a really good, quick meeting. 

Moving forward, animals are happy.

And I'm tired. Back to bed! Let's accomplish these goals tomorrow.

Blessings. 

Speechless on a weekend

Today did not go as planned. Waking up at 4am and not feeling well is not fun. With the help of my antibiotic, I started to feel better around 8:30am. Ended up sleeping on and off throughout the day. Completed small projects. Got tired and fell asleep early again. Now I'm back up confused, angered, and frustrated that I didn't accomplish more today. Yet, my ear still hurts and is throbbing as we speak; I'm just trying to get healthy again. Uuugghhhh!!!!! This is so frustrating. 

God works miracles in mysterious ways. I'm super proud I woke up and read my daily devotional. The messages lately seem to be on par with how the day goes. I managed to catch up on my church sermons today too. (I had three to watch.) Thank goodness my church still has online sermons and they keep the previous videos up for quite awhile. My pastors are the best and the messages are strong. 

Later I finally opened up my packages that arrived on Monday. Again, God's timing is perfect. It was the right day to open them because I ended up wearing the outfit all day and it brightened my day. Had some great conversations with people. Interestingly again, I had some conversations with friends earlier that again were right on time with God's grace and timing. Interesting how everything works together.

I'd love to say I exercised but I'm having issues with my equilibrium being off. I keep getting dizzy and nauseous. So, I guess it'll have to wait one more day.

End of day I went to see my mom today. She's so good. There is a project she's wanted me to work on for over a week so I made time today to help her for an hour. It's always great to see family. Sadly, even moving around seems to tire me out lately. Up for two hours, down for two to three hours, up to complete another project, back down in a couple hours. You get how this goes. Fixing health takes time to recover. Sadly, time is not my friend much these days. Challenges are arriving and it's time for me to shine this year.

Well, I enjoyed my dog cuddling in my lap and my cat laying on my head this evening. Being near family members (pets included) is comforting. And I don't know what else to say other than I'm trying to do my best while resting. One other goal to accomplish is to do a quick write. (trying to make this a daily habit.) I just don't have anything of importance to say today. I'm moreso putting faith in God that everything will work itself out the way it needs to be worked out. (yes, this does include me doing the work along the way.) 

The thing that keeps coming back as a recurring theme today is love. So many people I know have fallen in love from online dating. I've helped people meet. Others have met people and less than a year later they are happily married. I'm happy for these people. It seems these days everyone has someone.

But sometimes, it's more important to focus on yourself.

... and ignore the nightmares that continuously haunt- especially the last several days.

Blessings.

Finally Some Sleep

Happy Friday! Did this feel like a long week? There is nothing I am more grateful for at this point than medicine that helps cure an ear infection and rest. How I can't wait to cozy into the bed and get some sleep and pray the body continues to heal itself throughout the evening to wake up positive and happy.

Today was a GREAT day. I got to train with one of my favorite trainers today. He's smart, kind-hearted, goofy, loves his job, and likes to work in a team setting. He gives me confidence and hope. It was a much needed, positive, and refreshing day. Then, I ended the day with seeing my "old crew" favorite teammmates, had an unexpected and wonderful conversation with my "new" boss, and found out I have health insurance... like soooon!!!! (Thank goodness for so many reasons for health insurance: #1: if I have to race to the doc again and #2: I need a different med to reach goals in 2022.) We (my coworkers and I) also should be part of a bonus plan, and my boss believes in me personally too. It was just inspiring to end the day with positivity.

Animal love is what I was greeted with when I arrived home. My fat cat and poofy dog crack me up. I love how when I eat dinner they both beg for food. (I did not give in.) They literally just got fed their specialty food. Yet, that's not good enough. They want mine. And afterwards the cat rolled around on my computer while the dog got jealous and continuously pounced on the cat. I just pet tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb and ensure the outdoor cat is happily fed too. LOL. Gotta love our friendly, furry (scaley: fish included) home.

On that note, eyes are heavy and the brain is mellowed out. Time for bed.Let the real challenges begin tomorrow. Hopefully I'm feeling better.

Don't forget to thank God for all the blessings and miracles he bestows upon us each day and how he works in all of our lives for the better- through good times and challenging times. Amen.

Blessings.

Urgent Care (Thurs)

 I barely survived the day. It was another emotionally (at work) and physically (pain) challenging one. The worst was when I went to leave work and my throat and ear pain was so bad I started balling my eyes out. I never cry! This isn't mean. Yet, let the tears flowed down as the throat became even more painful and the sharp pains in the right ear shot through the internal canals.

I ended up going to urgent care... AGAIN! Thank you to the doctors that saw me. Easy in and easy out. No strep, no covid (go figure), no sorts of infection EXCEPT my ear infection is very prominent and even worse than before (fourteen days ago). Antibiotics are much needed!!!! And thank you to the pharmacy that filled it so quickly. Again, easy in and easy out. 

Poor animals love to say hi and I did say hi. I pet and cuddled my animals. Took the medicine. And passed out within twenty minutes. The poor animals need more love and affection. But when you don't feel well it makes it so hard to stay awake and function. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself before you can help take care of others. 

Sleep... and hopefully a good night (as best as can be under these circumstances). Fingers crossed.

Blessings.

More New Years Pain (Wed)

 Oh my goodness! There is nothing like waking up in tears from the pain. The ear throbs! The throat is sore. I slept all night and am still exhausted.

Have to go to work... must go to work... have to go to work... all for the meeting that I don't want or agree to have; yet, it must happen.

The day went.

The meeting happened.

Unexpectedly, there was ANOTHER MEETING at the end of the day that was surprisingly a good thing.

Got home and fell asleep immediately. (Fingers crossed over the counter medicine works.)

Blessings.

Sore Throat & Sleep (Tue)

 Sometimes you just need sleep. With waaay too little sleep and drainage that just won't stop (aka: sore throat), ya just gotta go to bed early. At least I do tonight.

Wanna laugh? To make my writing check-in goal, I even tried to blog on my phone in the middle of my sleep before midnight last night, but I couldn't figure it out. All I remember is passing out again.

So this morning, this is what I would have written last night... enjoy your zzz's and good night.

Blessings. 

Monday, Monday

Nothing like surviving another grand day. Waking up was soooo difficult this morning. The cold, my nice warm bed, kinda dreading going into the office... yea, waking up was not the easiest feat. Then after work I had to take care of some important tasks: phone calls, meetings, trainings. Running more errands after that- such as getting gas and going to the grocery store. So I basically woke up at 5am and came home and sat down by 10pm. Good times! And of course I had to deal with important computer requests like registration, emails, etc. after sitting down. So it's a little after 11:45pm and I'm about to curl up into a ball and go to bed.

The cat has been snuggled. The dog has played and had her snacks and is cuddled next to me. Phone calls and emails made. Time to CRASH FOR THE NIGHT! 

As the snow falls and the roads become icier, it is a beautiful night. It just makes you realize you have to prep even earlier in the morning to leave. Maybe I'll have to clear the snow off the car tomorrow but most likely not. It's the roads in the morning that worry me more; yea for driving. (not!)  

Some of my personal, important goals were finally met today too. Remember those baby steps we were talking about? Yea, climbing the steps to victory. Examples: grocery shopping after not going for a month, exercising- even if only for 5 minutes, writing tonight, playing piano chords. Not going to lie, mentally and emotionally, it really does feel good to check off the boxes.  

And I can't help but giggle. I have an eighteen pound cat sitting next to me, flopping his tail. I keep hearing "thump, thump, thump" as his tail occasionally swishes on the computer making it difficult to type. Oh cats! Gotta love the attention seeking lovers while you wanna write.

Keep doing you. Keep smiling. Hope you have a great tomorrow. And until we meet again.

Blessings. 

Personal Growth and Fresh Starts in 2022

This is crazy; I started this blog ten years ago and never quite found the time to utilize it the way I hoped as a writer. The other interesting fact, I had many articles on this blog that I posted but only two managed to survive from 2012-2018. Where did the rest of the articles go?!? LOL. Not that it matters anyway...

The year of 2021 involved so many challenges. They were the challenges of hardship that make you a better person. Sometimes you have to learn to "let go" to move forward. I remember being on a phone call with an older friend January 1, 2021 talking about what I hoped and dreamed for. Ha! Be careful what you ask for because it just might come true and not in the way you expected. I had a part time job that was extremely stressful and wasn't paying the bills at the time; though I loved my job it wasn't enough. Little did I realize I would be accepting a full time position with a new company early in the year, dropped out of college (granted, it's for my second degree- career change), dumped the boyfriend, he moved out a week later, knew I couldn't keep the house and made a difficult decision to sell my house a week after that, completely moved the house on my own, relocated to a new town, and started a new job all within the same time frame. (Stressful!) That new job became horribly toxic (as predicted). Then the men I dated became even worse (that was awful). Which of course in turn put me into a downward spiral. Ended up going to a dark place emotionally. Finally picked myself up in August and reached out for emotional help. Job hunted for a hot minute. Did make new friends. And then.... AAAHHHHHH, LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL... I started my new job at the end of October. Made more new friends. Then everything started to change for the better. And it's only gotten EVEN BETTER since then.

My words of advice: TRUST IN OUR LORD. He knows what is best. God's timing is always perfect. We must give him the reins to our life and then let the miracles of life happen from there.

And this brings us to today. We are officially back in the year 2022. Don't know about you all, but HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope it's been a good one for you. For me, I started out being as sick as you can imagine. (Man, I haven't been this sick in YEARS.) Upper respiratory viral infection that lasted for like 10 days, ear infection, pink eye. Ugh! Sleeping sounds great, right? After almost two weeks of sleeping for almost sixteen hour days, I'm OVER THIS! And today... finally this morning, I woke up with no sore throat, energy, and emotional hope again. Granted, my hearing is still gone in both ears from my ear infection, but that will change one of these days soon (hopefully). Yet, I STILL BELIEVE 2022 is going to be a GREAT YEAR!!!!

Now, for those of you crazy people who actually choose to read this blog, great! For others, keep moving along. I'm not writing on this blog for anyone but me. If you feel the need to write a comment, please be kind; the world has too much hatred in it and we could all use a little more kindness. I have no idea what I'm going to do with this blog. I don't have a plan anymore, or a goal, I just want to write each day and see where this leads. You see, my original dream was to be a writer. Then life happened. (Boy, do I have LOTS of working life experience-- I still can't get over the fact I had twenty-three jobs in two years while I was trying to find my way after my original career came to an end- that was four years ago.) Then I finally found a career I LIKE!!! So, I still want to write, (someday I hope to have a family too) but in the meantime I need to work my full-time job that I actually like that also helps to pay the bills, be healthy and exercise daily, while I'm also focusing on becoming an engineer. Ya! I'm crazy... and crazy talented too. Did I also mention that I'm descent at music and music plays into this goal too? Specifically, the piano is my favorite. And of course you have to make time for pets, family, and friends. This probably sounds like it doesn't make sense because there is so much jam-packed here, but it does, and there is a bigger picture too.

Last year may have been the year for hardships, but this year is about finding personal happiness. I truly believe the best has yet to come. The best WILL COME this year. And if you ask me what that means, I have NO IDEA! But I know great things will happen this year with God's guidance and love. (Everything in the past was the building blocks to help get where we are today.)

My personal favorite advice from last year to this year: " Motivation helps while discipline is key." Discipline is going to make the difference. You can't wish something, or want something, or hope for it, or buy it... sometimes you have to work for what you want by putting the time and effort into it. Even if it's a small step each day, that step will get you to the next step. Two of my favorite examples: #1: you want to exercise but you haven't done anything. Even if you only do ONE PUSHUP, that's still more than what you did yesterday. One pushup, right? Not even worth your time, right? But guess what... that one pushup is the start that will guaranteed lead to another pushup, and another, and another, etc. You get the point. #2: climbing a ladder: one ladder has small, reasonable sized steps while the other ladder has big steps that you may be able to go higher and faster but you have to struggle to jump and reach each new step. Which ladder do you choose to climb? I don't know about you, but I think I'd rather take the smaller, easier steps that will get me farther in the long run that will help me climb and reach my actual goals. (think of a ladder that looks like you're climbing towards heaven and the top is whatever you want your personal goal to be.) Keep climbing baby! 

Each day we have a set of goals we want to achieve. And then we have things we need to add in for self improvement or continued self achievement each week. What is your goal? What do you want to make reality? How are you going to make that reality come to life? Just saying and wishing isn't enough... so what's the one thing you will choose to start today to improve your quality of life or how to help others? I wish you the best, and may we begin that journey this year.

Blessings!