Sunday I prayed, "God, please grant me a Christmas miracle." I have no idea what this means, and there are absolutely no expectations, but I'm looking for some sort of miracle by the end of December. Maybe I'm looking for hope, or maybe it's happiness... the door is wide open.
I didn't write yesterday because I was living life to the fullest. I laughed so hard! The companionship was great company. Pure bliss and child-like fun. (Being honest, I totally forgot about writing.) A friend came over around 6:30pm, and we didn't go to bed (meaning we parted ways) after 1:30am. Nothing was off limits for a conversation. We ended up playing Nintendo and Super Nintendo. Yes, there were a few beverages. Lots of smiles and light-hearted banter. Loved having all our pets together. We talked about how to decorate homes and interior design. And the funniest part is we made a pact near the end of the evening. "As friends, we have to let go of our exes and stop giving any thoughts to them. No regrets. Keep moving forward. Have self respect. We'll do one fun event every-other-week or once a month. No falling in love. This is about finding ourselves, enjoying life, and having a partner for the activities to help us create a brighter future through July 1st." Yup! This is happening. (And apparently our first event is ax throwing next weekend.)
It's been a long time since I've felt this light-hearted and happy from an unexpected experience.
What's funnier? About an hour after we made our pact, my ex writes back and says he wants to "clear the slate and start fresh." I turned to my friend and asked him what to do; his comment was "you should do it!" I thought for a minute and said "we just made a pact; it's time to move forward." That in itself is almost the best feeling I've had in a long time. It's officially time to let go and move forward.
Similarities: I've met someone who knows the area where I grew up, we're roughly the same age, we've basically gone through similar situations, we last saw our exes on Labor Day weekend, we're dedicated workers, who enjoy adventures and our pets, with similar views/ beliefs/ interests, we aren't married, we don't have kids, and finding the right partner for (each of) us is something we would like to experience in our near futures. It's time to eliminate manipulators, love-bombers, and users. It's time to have self-respect, stop lowering our standards, and know exactly what we are looking for and find it.
For the first time (while listening to him) I realized that I haven't experienced love (even though I thought I had). When a man (or woman) is willing to hurt you, not care about you or your feelings, never looks back, has everything his (or her) way verses no way, that's not love. Reason being: if someone loves you they wouldn't be willing to hurt you. I cried! I cried harder than I have in a long time on Sunday. What's crazier? My emotions are drained and I'm done. I got sleep; then I woke up Monday and finally felt nothing. (It's been months since I've felt nothing for this particular person.) I'm ready to move forward and never look back. I deserve better. Funnier? The timing to have fun with this unexpected person was literally perfect timing, and I had the best evening with this stranger.
This stranger has actually been my knight-in-shining armor for the past month. He's been helping (for no apparent reason). He's been watching out for me and my pets (I feel beyond grateful and not alone). He's inspiring me with his positive go-lucky attitude. He makes me want to be a better version of myself because maybe, just maybe, there's still hope for some sort of happiness. I'm just cynical and present a rough exterior. But when I'm around him, positivity shows through because I'm focused on happiness and personal growth. We compliment each other. We bring out the best in one another. We force each other to get out of our own heads.
Maybe, just maybe, there's still hope for a happily ever after.
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