Sunday Blues

Sadly, North Carolina lost the championship last night. But on a positive note, University of Michigan won their championship- two years in a row! :) Yeah!

It's been a rough emotional day. So I don't really have a lot to say. I played a few electronic games, took the dog for a walk, did a short workout, and I'm working on cleaning the closet (FINALLY!). 

What makes it so frustrating? No one calls. Everyone has their own life. Ever since I moved back to Kalamazoo I feel more alone than ever. I was closer to my Kzoo friends when I lived in Grand Rapids, go figure! I moved back to this city, got a new job, bought a house, and everything has changed. And I'm trying to change my social circle but it takes time. Even in the social circles I'm associating with, those people are engaged, married, and possibly have kids. Everyone has their own life. Being almost 40 years old, never married and no kids, I fit in with absolutely NO ONE. I'm trying to focus on fitness, but my heart is breaking.

The most difficult part: I thought I found the love of my life at the beginning of 2022. Guess what? Guess not! Men walk away never telling the truth, not fighting, and they're just done. I'm heartbroken. I truly don't know what went wrong. The only thing I can guess: I'm not feminine enough, too mouthy, too independent, too much of a big heart and I care too much??? God tell me what I'm missing?! I have no clue. But what hurts the most is I thought he was my person. I reached out one last time tonight with a question hoping he would answer- one way or another. The worst: I'm not even worth a response in his mind. Silence. Ghosted again. Ghosted again by another man, and I don't understand. But this one, THIS ONE, I thought he was my person. I wish he never let me know what it feels like to love someone, or to enjoy the blessings of spending time with someone you love. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could stop the pain, I wish I could just forget. 

But guess what? We're here to fight another day. Everyone around me has their person! Almost everyone around me is married and/or has kids or is pregnant and expecting. I'm so excited for those individuals. But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt like hell. Regarding dating, I've been lied to. I've been manipulated and controlled. I've been taken advantage of. I've been on dating sites- that is a JOKE... Never again! I've signed up with a matchmaker- SCAM! I've been on blind dates- NO! I've tried meeting people through social events- just no connection. I've met people at work- goodness that was a DISASTER! I literally don't know how to meet new, like-minded people. So, the days drag on with me and my pets. I go to work (which I do enjoy), I talk to my mom (family), and the rest of the time is spent on my own. I'm working on revising my schedule too. Like I said, exercise is top of mind (half marathon 4/23/23). What else is there? I'd talk to God... but I'm so angry, and frustrated, and hurt, and I don't understand. I feel so alone. What's the point? The situations all turn out the same- new year, different day, same results. (Yes, I'm being grouchy, but there is an element of truth.) 

Sometimes, life sucks! And I don't have any positive advice today. (Maybe try listening to "Stand By You" by Rachel Platten for inspiration.) The best I can say: chin up, get sleep, and we'll see what tomorrow brings.