Woke up and got a shower. Next, washed all the bedding. Accidentally watched another Netflix show that is a series (I was looking for a movie) and turned on "Inventing Anna." Do you remember this story? Dude, it's based on a true story. I remember this all over the media and newspapers back in the day and here it is in television format. It's produced by Shondaland; gotta give it to Shonda, she's a good writer and producer. Anyway, looking for another show? Check it out! I had it on while I was putting laundry away and making the bed. And sadly, when the night sky came up, my energy level disappeared. Made sure to work on my church-group project, reading my devotional and bible, and meditating.
And here we are. I'm back to writing.
My problem with today, or maybe I should say my frustration: I can write and catch up, but it's not the same as doing it daily. Same thing with exercise. You can catch up on your workouts but it's not the same as doing it everyday. I had a personal trainer emphasize the importance of this to me years ago. I didn't fully understand WHY it was so important daily, but I'm starting to understand the importance now- especially when you want to build and continue to improve upon that skill that is being honed.
My screenplay I'm going to write about (I finally decided) will be called "Finding Me." In a world where we try to fit in, or make sure we're following rules, or we want to be accepted by certain people and/or groups, sometimes that's not the right thing for everyone. There have been so many changes that I've gone through this past year. I'm not the same person I used to be. I struggle with isolation, and I'm a social individual. Yet, at the same time, I'd rather be isolated than be with people who don't truly value me or want to know the real me. I have goals I need to achieve. That's why I need to start doing them daily, not weekly. And if I'm isolated, with me, working on my goals, that's gotta be better than being forced to be around people that don't truly accept me or have me doing things that aren't truly enjoyed. Just, working on goals on your own is great, but sometimes it would be nice to have a support system too. I don't have that for anything- haven't had it in a long time.
The other thing I'm frustrated with is everything is based on looks. I'm pretty. But I lost my edge that makes me pretty (at least that's my opinion). I'm 5'3, blonde, blue eyes, athletic, independent, intelligent, funny sense-of-humor, musically inclined, love helping and relating to people. But I got, how do you say it... pudgy. All my weight is in my stomach. From years sitting in a high-stressed office setting, then having health issues with unbalanced hormones, and then that thing called life, I'm stuck at a certain weight. So I'm not my ideal 5'3, blonde, 150lbs, solid muscle build anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty. But you get a lot farther in life when you are beautiful. Things just happen for you that don't for others when you are deemed beautiful (I should know; I've experienced that side of life in the past too). And obviously, if I'm bringing it up, something has happened as of recent that has brought this to the forefront to make me talk about it. I'm just frustrated lately. I wish I was truly accepted and appreciated for me. But I also wish I had a support group too. For example, going on short daily runs or studying with someone makes it all the more enjoyable. Sadly, my looks don't match the person I feel like internally. So finding people to relate to is difficult, because especially when meeting people in the beginning stages, everything is usually based on looks.
Spending time with my animals and God today is important. My animals don't see me much because I work more than I used to- and away from the home now. And as for God, he hasn't been at the forefront for about the last four weeks because of work and exhaustion. No excuses. Just reality. So I'm trying to be better. He keeps me grounded and positive. Lately, as you can tell, I feel like I'm emotionally spinning out of control a little. I'm mad I'm not accomplishing what matters to me most. There is always something that arises and I just can't get done what I want to get accomplished.
And I'm learning I need to be more grateful for everything I have in life. Everyone has there own set of priorities. Everyone reaches different goals in life, at different times, and at different ages in their life. In my case, I've always been a little bit slower than the rest; I always seem to be a late bloomer with everything. (unless it's work) Although, even my career I've had to start over. I feel like I'm a little older than most without the living experiences. For example, I've never been married, I don't have kids, I've never truly been in love, I'm struggling with where I want to be professionally in my career, I've moved back to my hometown (honestly NEVER saw that one happening), and I'm trying to become healthy and athletic again (I want to be able to run miles by this summer again), and I'd like to start playing the piano again too. I'd also like to finish this screenplay. And somehow I think I can become an engineer. This will be interesting! Because I'm a creative trying to become logical. If you know me... this IS funny! I'm just struggling finding people who can actually relate to what I'm going through. I'm different, I think differently, I always have, and I hate going against the crowd; I don't fit in, I stand out, and sometimes standing out is frustrating. That's why I feel I have a story to tell that just might help others- if they are going through something similar to what I am experiencing. I know I sound busy, but if someone is important to me, I'm not as busy as I sound because I will make time. And as for being different, I was always told growing up when everyone orders coffee apparently I'll order tea... see, just different! So I'm trying to be grateful and realize just how blessed I am to be me and no one else. Because there are things that I can do that one one else can do the way I do. (There will always be someone better than each and every one of us!) I just need to see the value and appreciate exactly where I am at in life right now, and appreciate the alone time while I have it. (Who knows, maybe that will change someday too?!?)
See the beauty in each moment and throughout each day. Find a reason to be happy. Find a reason to smile. And believe you can achieve what you want to. Put your mind to it and put the effort into making it happen. Remember: half the work starts with just showing up.
Blessings.
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