Friends at the Gym

 It felt great to race out of work and go straight to the gym. I got home, called my friend, and off we went. Sprints and ab workouts. Laughs, stories, giggles, fun experiences, I love spending time with my friend. She was back to her original, happy self. It was a wonderful time. And we spent about 1.5 hours at the gym. (Good workout)

Then we went last minute shopping at Lowes. Go figure, we BOTH had to pick something up! :) 

We did more girl talk when we got home. From cats, to magical stories, to life, health, houses, work, fur babies. If you name it, we probably talked about it.

Haven't had this much fun on a Wednesday evening... with a friend... in a long time.

Thank you for a fun time.

Bake A Cake

Sunday night was turkey baking. I made "my" Thanksgiving turkey Sunday evening. I can't believe it, but it turned out to be so good. So tonight I had to cut it up and properly put it away- so it doesn't go bad. While I was in the kitchen working on carving the turkey I had placed a cake in the oven.

While all this is going on I'm on the phone talking with a friend who lives in another city. She's getting ready to go dancing this coming weekend and needs some advice for dresses. Of course I love shopping, and fashion... and I'm really good at it. She was sending photos about different dresses to purchase, accessories, and how to wear the outfits. There's nothing like being fashionable, fun, and fabulous. I think we did figure out her dress: black with leopard print. She'll be a doll-in-the-making when she hits the dance floor. There's nothing like a good friend, great conversation, talking fashion, and having girl-talk. She made my evening. Thank you! 

Evening goals:

• Dog walked
• The turkey is put away
• The cake turned out nice
• Had to finish a few writings
• And now it's off to train (exercise)

It's still going to be a long night at this residence. But everything has been worthwhile so far. I've had this feeling of light-heartedness all day. The job is going well. (I think) Home responsibilities are being taken care of. Pets are feeling loved. And I'm finally focusing on me- regarding self-care. Baby steps to success.

Focus on one thing and keep moving forward! Blessings!

Monday Miracle

Sunday I prayed, "God, please grant me a Christmas miracle." I have no idea what this means, and there are absolutely no expectations, but I'm looking for some sort of miracle by the end of December. Maybe I'm looking for hope, or maybe it's happiness... the door is wide open.

I didn't write yesterday because I was living life to the fullest. I laughed so hard! The companionship was great company. Pure bliss and child-like fun. (Being honest, I totally forgot about writing.) A friend came over around 6:30pm, and we didn't go to bed (meaning we parted ways) after 1:30am. Nothing was off limits for a conversation. We ended up playing Nintendo and Super Nintendo. Yes, there were a few beverages. Lots of smiles and light-hearted banter. Loved having all our pets together. We talked about how to decorate homes and interior design. And the funniest part is we made a pact near the end of the evening. "As friends, we have to let go of our exes and stop giving any thoughts to them. No regrets. Keep moving forward. Have self respect. We'll do one fun event every-other-week or once a month. No falling in love. This is about finding ourselves, enjoying life, and having a partner for the activities to help us create a brighter future through July 1st." Yup! This is happening. (And apparently our first event is ax throwing next weekend.) 

It's been a long time since I've felt this light-hearted and happy from an unexpected experience.

What's funnier? About an hour after we made our pact, my ex writes back and says he wants to "clear the slate and start fresh." I turned to my friend and asked him what to do; his comment was "you should do it!" I thought for a minute and said "we just made a pact; it's time to move forward." That in itself is almost the best feeling I've had in a long time. It's officially time to let go and move forward.

Similarities: I've met someone who knows the area where I grew up, we're roughly the same age, we've basically gone through similar situations, we last saw our exes on Labor Day weekend, we're dedicated workers, who enjoy adventures and our pets, with similar views/ beliefs/ interests, we aren't married, we don't have kids, and finding the right partner for (each of) us is something we would like to experience in our near futures. It's time to eliminate manipulators, love-bombers, and users. It's time to have self-respect, stop lowering our standards, and know exactly what we are looking for and find it. 

For the first time (while listening to him) I realized that I haven't experienced love (even though I thought I had). When a man (or woman) is willing to hurt you, not care about you or your feelings, never looks back, has everything his (or her) way verses no way, that's not love. Reason being: if someone loves you they wouldn't be willing to hurt you. I cried! I cried harder than I have in a long time on Sunday. What's crazier? My emotions are drained and I'm done. I got sleep; then I woke up Monday and finally felt nothing. (It's been months since I've felt nothing for this particular person.) I'm ready to move forward and never look back. I deserve better. Funnier? The timing to have fun with this unexpected person was literally perfect timing, and I had the best evening with this stranger.

This stranger has actually been my knight-in-shining armor for the past month. He's been helping (for no apparent reason). He's been watching out for me and my pets (I feel beyond grateful and not alone). He's inspiring me with his positive go-lucky attitude. He makes me want to be a better version of myself because maybe, just maybe, there's still hope for some sort of happiness. I'm just cynical and present a rough exterior. But when I'm around him, positivity shows through because I'm focused on happiness and personal growth. We compliment each other. We bring out the best in one another. We force each other to get out of our own heads.

Maybe, just maybe, there's still hope for a happily ever after. 

Sunday Blues

Sadly, North Carolina lost the championship last night. But on a positive note, University of Michigan won their championship- two years in a row! :) Yeah!

It's been a rough emotional day. So I don't really have a lot to say. I played a few electronic games, took the dog for a walk, did a short workout, and I'm working on cleaning the closet (FINALLY!). 

What makes it so frustrating? No one calls. Everyone has their own life. Ever since I moved back to Kalamazoo I feel more alone than ever. I was closer to my Kzoo friends when I lived in Grand Rapids, go figure! I moved back to this city, got a new job, bought a house, and everything has changed. And I'm trying to change my social circle but it takes time. Even in the social circles I'm associating with, those people are engaged, married, and possibly have kids. Everyone has their own life. Being almost 40 years old, never married and no kids, I fit in with absolutely NO ONE. I'm trying to focus on fitness, but my heart is breaking.

The most difficult part: I thought I found the love of my life at the beginning of 2022. Guess what? Guess not! Men walk away never telling the truth, not fighting, and they're just done. I'm heartbroken. I truly don't know what went wrong. The only thing I can guess: I'm not feminine enough, too mouthy, too independent, too much of a big heart and I care too much??? God tell me what I'm missing?! I have no clue. But what hurts the most is I thought he was my person. I reached out one last time tonight with a question hoping he would answer- one way or another. The worst: I'm not even worth a response in his mind. Silence. Ghosted again. Ghosted again by another man, and I don't understand. But this one, THIS ONE, I thought he was my person. I wish he never let me know what it feels like to love someone, or to enjoy the blessings of spending time with someone you love. I wish I could take it all back, I wish I could stop the pain, I wish I could just forget. 

But guess what? We're here to fight another day. Everyone around me has their person! Almost everyone around me is married and/or has kids or is pregnant and expecting. I'm so excited for those individuals. But I'd be lying if I said it doesn't hurt like hell. Regarding dating, I've been lied to. I've been manipulated and controlled. I've been taken advantage of. I've been on dating sites- that is a JOKE... Never again! I've signed up with a matchmaker- SCAM! I've been on blind dates- NO! I've tried meeting people through social events- just no connection. I've met people at work- goodness that was a DISASTER! I literally don't know how to meet new, like-minded people. So, the days drag on with me and my pets. I go to work (which I do enjoy), I talk to my mom (family), and the rest of the time is spent on my own. I'm working on revising my schedule too. Like I said, exercise is top of mind (half marathon 4/23/23). What else is there? I'd talk to God... but I'm so angry, and frustrated, and hurt, and I don't understand. I feel so alone. What's the point? The situations all turn out the same- new year, different day, same results. (Yes, I'm being grouchy, but there is an element of truth.) 

Sometimes, life sucks! And I don't have any positive advice today. (Maybe try listening to "Stand By You" by Rachel Platten for inspiration.) The best I can say: chin up, get sleep, and we'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Go Blue!

 Beautiful morning; woke up and went straight to the gym:

- 3 miles completed, strength training completed (including planks-ugh!), shot some hoops-- great workout!

Came home to relax a little: watched a movie, played piano, walked the dog, and prepared for the evening:

- It was Sharon's Dance Studio recital this evening @ 7pm; beautiful performances by the dancers. 

- U of M vs. Purdue & N. Carolina vs. Clemson @ 8pm: should be some good football tonight! 

Notes for the day:

Make sure you are always positive when meeting new people! Do what you love each day (ex: hobbies). Make time to celebrate victories. 

Also, I woke up and saw a YouTube video by Rachel Maksy titled Reading from an 1800's "Book of Etiquette" video. Hilarious! Worth a watch. So etiquette, feminism, being polite, manners in public, etc. were all topics of mind today. 

Fri-Yay, Right?

Had to buy Addison a sweater at lunch, and I think it's helping. She's had sniffling, wheezing, and coughing... and the vomiting subsided about a week ago. She's taking medicine to help. But she's been cold a lot lately. So I bought my fur baby a sweater. Now she's toasty-warm all day. Fingers crossed she improves each and everyday. 

Olaf always jumps up to say hello when I'm around. He's my second fur baby. A solid white cat with a kind heart. He's full of personality. His only issue, I need to help him lose weight. He goes outside, he walks, he plays, he's sensitive with food. Yet, I haven't been able to help him lose weight. Hopefully we'll get there for his overall health.

The third fur baby is Simon. He's the outdoor cat. So much personality, that one. He chooses to be outside. He has a kind heart. He always comes to say hi. But if you open the door to ask if he wants to come in from the cold he will run away immediately.

Then there are the fish and the plants to tend to. A bit of color, water, and fresh light. I feel like these are all types of categories to care for. It's a happy home.

If you notice, all these types of living beings are companions. No one really enjoys being alone. If you think about it, do you have someone that keeps you company? It dawned on me earlier today that no one calls me (after working hours). It's usually me calling everyone else to check in and ask if they are ok. The feeling of loneliness. The damage loneliness can do to a person.

That's one of the reasons my goals are so specific for this coming year in 2023. There are so many changes. I'm trying so hard to change my life for the better. And it's not something I can think about, or purchase, it's the time/energy/actions that will bring a new change. The few people who know about these goals have commented "you are really busy!" Yes? What else am I supposed to do? Everyone else has their routine, their person, their pets, their lives to tend to. I'm just another person living her quiet life. 

Yes, you can say the Lord is always with you. Though I believe that is true it doesn't mean I always want to speak to an invisible God. Sometimes the touch of someone's hand, the sound of their voice, just their presence being near you in the same room is important.

The moral of the story: stay warm, and healthy, and safe. Get sleep to be as positive as you can. Eat healthy, drink water, be wise, and reach out to the ones you love. You never know if it's YOUR kind words and ACTIONS will be what makes the difference to the other person. Life is short. Spread kindness. And always help someone feel valued and loved-- even through the smallest actions like saying hello. 

Dec 1 is Exciting!

 Did you say "Rabbit Rabbit" first thing this morning? 

I think the first thing I yelled out was "google, turn off the alarm!" Classic; I've never been a morning person and I ALWAYS have multiple alarms everyday... I think 6+ alarms most days. Anyway, by the time I realized I was supposed to say "Rabbit Rabbit" it was too late. (I even missed "tibber tibber" for the end of the day; I won't do it because I just know it. I have other things planned this evening.) I don't know if it's the challenge of trying to say the phrase-which is why I always try at the beginning of the month- but I rarely succeed. No harm, no foul. I think I managed 2x in my life: one month actually turned out HORRIBLE while the other month wasn't too bad. 

Why be excited for December 1? Because it's the start of a new day, a new month, the ending to this year... and time to prepare (to create consistency and habits) that will launch the success of the next year if we stay focused. Can you feel the energy and excitement? Am I right?!? :) I had someone tell me earlier today "you can start over everyday without a monumental occasion" -DZ and he is correct, but when you also want time to make something a habit in your daily life NOW is that time: 12/1. I think it's something to the effect of 30 days makes it a habit. Hence the excitement.

Stated yesterday, time to create a vision board. Mine will moreso be a Vision List here so everyone can participate. (Maybe I'll show my actual vision board later on in a photo.) Ok, you want to know the worst part? I got the idea for the vision board from watching a Candace Cameron Bure Hallmark movie the other day. It wasn't one of my favorite movies, but she carried that stupid board around. The more I thought about it, and I keep being reminded by people saying "if you can see it you can make it happen", why not make a vision board if I'm serious about accomplishing a couple very specific goals in 2023. If you see it everyday, maybe it will create an incentive to work towards those goals and become accomplished.

Jenn's 2023 Vision (Board) List:

*    Write 365withJenn for one whole year!

        - I was inspired by Julie Powell and her book/movie. She was dedicated to making a goal happen. It was rough but she felt so accomplished by completing the goal of cooking everyday. She grew as an individual. She had an interesting story to tell. And look at the opportunities that presented themselves later. That's where this idea stems from, but I wanted to accomplish it with my goals and hobbies. (I started this blog YEARS ago... I'm just getting around to making this a reality.) There is more to come with the 365withJenn. If I accomplish what I hope to (no, I'm not giving all details away yet) this will actually become a brand and lead to something much bigger. Heck, I have to start YouTube videos this coming year. Yuck! I don't want to be in a video. 

*    Become athletically fit again

        - 5ks, 10k, triathlons, sports teams... I've done it all. Now I just want to be healthy. So I'm planning on running a half marathon 4/23/23. Maybe a triathlon this summer. And I might do a 30 mile trail bike ride with a colleague in November 2023. I'm going to take a couple dance classes in December 2022 to socialize, get out of my comfort zone, and learn a few new dance steps. And if all goes well later in the season I'll try snowboarding. And of course I can't wait to get back to kayaking this summer. I also have another friend who is heavy into SCA. So I might add: rapier, archery, and woodworking to the local division. (I don't mind getting hit in the head with heavy fighting; my problem is the sound of the hit on the knight's helmet. My ears scream Ouch!) So, we'll see what happens this summer.

*    Write and Publish for $100,000

        - Does this feel like deja vu; didn't we just talk about writing for a full year? No no no no no! Now I'm talking about REAL WRITING. It's been my dream to get a screenplay and a novel published. I have so many stories I want to tell. So I need to choose one and finish it. The catch is I want to sell my writing and land a deal no less than $100,000. Will I continue to write after that? Most likely! But remember, I don't ever plan to write as a career. All the inspiration will disappear from force and pressure. I don't feel like dealing with a several-year-long writers block again; that wasn't fun. 

*    Self Care

        - Making time and ALLOWING for down time. Not being forced into societal pressures. Not allowing myself to feel like a failure. (I'm not the classic lady who was able to get married and have kids; that just wasn't in the cards for me... or it hasn't been in my cards YET.) Every Sunday is beauty day (I'll explain later). Cooking and eating healthy. Spending time with family and playing with pets. Being adventurous and exploring new things/places. Making sure I have QUALITY relationships vs quantity. (If I ever do date again: making sure they don't boss me around, or be controlling, or lie. I want someone to share life experiences with who will be a partner and a friend.) Spend time with TRUE FRIENDS. It's important to make time to read, enjoy the outdoors, keep an organized/clean house, and stay positive. I also want to be involved in arts and crafts, build puzzles, learn to crochet, and paint. And of course I always want to grow and learn with my career; there are a few personal studies that will take about 10-15 hours to complete.

*    Music

        - It's time to play piano again. I know how to practice, and I know what it takes to be good. Someday I'll get back into performing with my grand piano. For now, just playing 20 min a day would be a great accomplishment. Music heals the soul. And for me, music is where I always find my true self. 

*    Loving God

        - No matter what you call it, I believe there is a higher power. I would like to make time to read the Bible, pray/meditate, learn about energies, and get closer to healing/understanding the self. 

What do you say, are you willing to write your goals down? Are you willing to stay committed? Remember, taking care of YOURSELF is just as important as taking care of others. We can't truly help someone else until we have accepted and helped ourselves first. 

I used to always help everyone. As I was emotionally breaking down and allowing people to push me around I finally said enough is enough. So the last year and a half has been dedicated to putting myself first for once in my life. It has been a LONG process. (It'd also help if I wasn't so stubborn.) When I feel I am able, I will reach out and help others little by little. But I'm a person too... what about helping myself? WHAT ABOUT ME?!? You should be asking the same question when needed. Family and friends are important, but we need to create that balance for ourselves to find peace and harmony... which in turn will allow us to give back more to those we care about. 

Did I give you something to ponder? Good! I hope so.

Stay positive & many blessings.